Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Things NOT to say to your ex-fiance, now not-quite-girlfriend
Before the Marine and I got engaged he had mentioned always thinking he would just like to elope, and I always told him that I dreamed of a small but elegant church wedding in the church where I grew up. It was very important and meaningful to me. When we actually got engaged he jokingly mentioned eloping to Vegas a time or two, but nothing really seriously and he was, at least initially, VERY involved in the wedding plans and making sure that we ended up with a wedding that was perfect for us both.
He was not the only one who was very involved. My whole family was all super excited and talked almost non-stop about the wedding plans. aunts, cousins, everyone was there and trying to figure out how they would help. Then he freaked out.
So over the weeknd I was thinking about how if I EVER get engaged again (to the Marine or anyone else) I could not stand the thought of people remembering how The Marine called everything off, and wondering if it would happen again. So, sitting on The Marine's bed, I lamented, "If I ever DO get married, I am not going to tell anyone, and am just going to elope!" not only is the fear of everyone thinking that I won't make it to the alter again part of my problem, but I also feel like I was in the process of planning the wedding I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. Now all those plans and dreams are tied irrevocably to the heartbreak of having the wedding called off, and I don't think I would want a super traditional ceremony that was not in line with those dreams.
"Yeah," The Marine agreed, "I could definitely elope, it's the whole planning process that scares me."
I think my heart stopped. Okay, you are sitting here with a woman you KNOW would give anything to marry you, and who is saying she has decided to elope, and you are going to follow it up with that statement? Hello??? I just wanted to cry. How can you say that to me, if you're not saying "Okay, come on... let's go elope!" Not only that, but if the planning is what freaked you out, why didn't you just say... "all this planning is freaking me out. But I love you. Let's just run off and get married!"
Because you know, I wouldn't have run to Vegas, but I would have run off and at the end of the day, if I was married to the man that I love, I would have been the happiest woman in the world... big white wedding or no.
Goodnight Phone Calls
One thing I loved about my Marine was our goodnight phone calls. From the very beginning, before he was really my Marine, we would have our nightly phone calls right before bed. Sometimes that would mean we'd end up staying up much later than we would have otherwise, but there is nothing better than falling asleep knowing that someone is thinking of you, and cares about you.
There was the rare occasion when we would miss our goodnight phone calls, but those nights were VERY rare. And these phone calls are one of the things i have missed the most since we split up. I literally slept with my phone for a while. I am not sure why, probably the same reason why I sometimes slept (and still sleep) in my engagement ring. It almost makes me feel closer to him.
Yesterday The Marine called me at least a half a dozen times. He is shopping for a couple of major electronics purchases and he called me several times to ask my opinions. I love that :-) So... even though we are *kind of* back together, I was not expecting a phone call last night. As I picked up my phone and headed to bed, I realized that I wasn't waiting to hear the phone ring. Somehow, that was almost sadder than hoping for a phone call and it never coming. Well, almost.
So I started mentally composing a blog about the significance of realizing that something that was such a huge part of your days before, no longer is. Not just that it isn't a part of your days any longer, but that you have gotten used to it not being there. And as I was mentally writing this very blog, still walking to my room with my phone in my hand, it rang.
It was my goodnight phone call. What a great feeling .
Monday, November 13, 2006
Claiming my blog
so many issues
Apparently there was some miscommunication. That being, I communicated as well as I could, but he did not question what he did not understand and chose to just think things would be fine that way. He is SO afraid of commitment that the idea of calling himself my boyfriend at this point terrifies him. He says it is because he is leaving soon and he feels he will hurt worse when he leaves if we are still "together" up until that point.
He says he wants us to "see each other." To me, that means something completely different but he says to him it would mean treating me the same way he would were we "together" but without the same pressures weighing on him as he gets ready to deploy. He wants us to ACT like boyfirend and girlfriend. And he wants us to not see or talk to other people. But he can't be called my boyfriend and he cannot say we are back together.
I am setting myself up for heartbreak, I know. I keep thinking that someday, probably not until after he has been deployed for some time, he will realize how I have loved him for who he is, and I have not pressured him to give more than he is capable. I guess I hope that this will be enough for him to not be afraid of me (of us!) any longer.
He knows he has these deep-seated fears of commitment, and he has agreed to work on them in limited ways (read: he is not willing to see a psychologist or counselor), but he can't be led to think that he is working on these things FOR me, or FOR our relationship. That is too much pressure and commitment for him and it scares him.
We had a big fight this weekend. Maybe our biggest one ever, over our not being on the same page about where we stand in each other's lives. I am not happy with the way things are, but I am happier than I would be without him in my life at all. I know that he loves me, and that he wants to be with me and I hate the fact that he can't manage to do so. and as I told him last week... in 4 months, after he is off to the middle east and our relatinship has ended (we have agreed to not attempt a long distance relationship while he is gone, though I do hold onto the hope that when he returns... ahhh, you know what I mean), I will never regret having spent these last few months with him. I might, however, kick myself for standing with my pride and pushing him away while I had the chance to hold him close.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Okay so it's been a while...
Here's the update. The Marine came back from his week long trip to Bahrain and was seemingly happy about the move. For about a day. We spent the weekend together after my dear freind's bridal shower and everything seemed great, we were making plans and arrangements and moving forward to the next weekend's move. I finally felt good about his reaction to all of the new stuff when I went home on Sunday afternoon.
he waited just long enough for em to tell my kids about the now-firm move in date, tell their fathers, and deal with the backlash before he emailed me that he didn't think things would work out between us.
I will spare you the tumultuous details. Let's just say that my beloved turned out to be a closeted commitment-phobe. The hardest thing to accept was how much he still loved me. Still ACTED like he loved me and like he wanted us to be together. The hardest thing to deal with is that a man can love me that truly and that honestly, but not be willing to at least TRY to deal with his issues for the sake of us.
It's still crazy to me. so much water under the bridge, somehow we managed to keep seeing each other and when we were together it was like nothing had ever changed, but when we were apart it was pure torture. For me. I suspect it was not so much torture for him, as he is really good at just pushing things out of his mind if he doesn't want to deal with them. Everything, I guess, except his insurmountable fear to commit to me.
Finally I put my foot down. I told him that I can deal with us not having an all-or-nothing right now. But if we are going to keep seeing each other, I needed it to be a REAL thing. We would get back together, on a temporary basis, pending his deployment. So we did.
I haven't seen him since this development though. in fact, it just happened last night. And I know I am crazy. I'm not sure why I even came up with this insane idea b/c it's not in hope that he will come to his senses and see how good we are together. I know he already sees that. I also know that his issues are based in deep-seated fears that I have no hope of combatting and I am not even willing to try.
What I DON'T know is if I am happy about our new (old?) status. Truly, I feel like if I let this pass by and we stay apart and then he deploys... when he is gone, I'll curse his last few months and the fact that we did not spend them together. And I tell myself I am stupid and wasting my time b/cI will never get what I want out of this man, I will never get what I deserve. But then I realize that is my pride talking and living by my pride is just as stupid as his living by his fear. And the fact is that I love this man, just as he is. I wish he could see a future together as a positive thing, and not a threat, but he can't. And I love him anyway. And he loves me. We are both happy together and love spending time togehter. So why in the world would we waste these last few precious months apart?
I'll end up with my heart broken. but my heart is already broken, so really... what's the difference?
All of these things are bouncing around in my head with my anxiety about this whole back together thing. Honestly, I know it's what I want. But I don't know how I feel about it. I am kind of nervous and angry and sad and happy all at the same time. So... will I stick it out until he leaves? Maybe not. In any case, he certainly has not stepped back in to the same spot he once occupied in my life. And I think maybe that is what has me so angry. How much was I looking forward to sharing the holidays with him this year? But i won't. Back together or not, I think that's just not something he deserves, no matter how hard I will cry when i crawl in bed alone and exhausted on Christmas Eve.
Friday, October 06, 2006
homecomings and showers
I am SO excited to see him tomorrow. More excited about that than I am about tonight's concert if you can believe that - which I am sure you can since you don't know how I am about my concerts. but I am apprehensive b/c so much has changed in his absence and I have had to make plans and decisions that involve him, without him. I worry that he might balk at having been excluded. Of course, he could react just fine but since we have never been in this situation before, I am just not sure how he will handle this. I am a bit of a control freak , and I may be projecting that onto him...
Before I go to see DF, I have a bridal shower to attend tomorrow. My very very Dear Friend is getting married in a couple of months. I am *very* excited for her and thrilled to be involved in this time with her, but it is slightly painful due to the perfectly-sensible-but-still-distressing postponement of my own wedding. Prior to the post ponement of my wedding Dear Friend and I were happily planning our weddings together - they were scheduled about a month apart. So it's tough, but I am happy for her and thrilled to see her finally find someone to share her life with. I still haven't gotten her a gift though, and will go shopping tomorrow morning for the perfect negligee... hopefully I can find it in dark purple... her wedding color!
Thursday, October 05, 2006
New Job Stress
So, remember that I got the job with Dream Company, contingent on the background check? Well I guess the background check is basically a Criminal check and employment verification. Fine. Except the company that is contracted to DO said background check has only managed to verify ONE of my previous employers - and that one was a part time job that I only held for a few months. As SOON (ok, the next morning...)as I was told I got this job I started getting phone calls from the verification company. They need me to fax them a pay stub to verify my current employment, they need an authorization # and pin to confirm my LAST employer.
So, I faxed a pay stub and I called my last employer to obtain said authorization # and pin. Except I need my employee ID number to get this, and the only place to find that number is on my old pay stubs, which I haven't saved for the 3 years since I left that job. I was told to talk to the girl who does payroll there and maybe she could help, but after 2 days of leaving her messages and no return call, I started to think maybe that was not the best course of action.
Then the staffing dept from Dream Company calls. They still haven't verified my last employer and can I fax them my W-2? Ok, I have that... I can fax that over. But wait... they couldn't verify the job I left 5 years ago either, and can I fax them a pay stub from that job as well? Ummm.. no. I don't keep old pay stubs for 5 - 8 years, I tell him. He reiterates that they need that in order to verify that job. Ok, well I don't have it, what can I do? He says (AGAIN!) that they need to have it. At this point, I am frustrated and I am sure it shows. "Okay," I say, " but I am telling you that I don't have that. So what else can you use to verify this?"
He is not sure what else can be done and suggests I call said company. I told him I don't think the company is still in business, and he reiterates that he needs to verify this job, but he is unsure what has already been done. He'll call the verification company to find out where they ran into problems.
Seriously, out of FOUR jobs, the verification company could only verify ONE? WTF are they getting paid for? I went back to my desk and googled the old company, found out they changed their name and closed all offices in my state. I found the number for their corporate office and I called the Verification company to give it to them, only to be told that they FOUND the number, but not until after they left a message for Dream Company saying they could not verify it, and they never bothered to call back to update them.
Also, this verification company had no idea if they had recieved the pay stub I had faxed over the day before. I sent another fax yesterday, of the W-2 for my last employer, to both Dream Company's staffing dept, and to Verification company. Both faxes requested a call to confirm receipt, yet I have not recieved a call from either company.
I am very frustrated at having to do the work that someone else is getting paid to do. I am also all freaked out and worried that all of this difficulty with verfiying previous employers (which has never been an issue with any other job I have held - did they just not bother to try to confirm these?) will jeopardize my job offer with this company...
On a brighter note, having this job to focus my stress on has lessened my stress about The Marine considerably. And he will be home in 2 days - yippee!
Don't Rain on my Parade
The weather this week has been GORGEOUS - sunny and in the mid 80's or so. You can't HOPE for better fair weather in this area. And this morning I found out that tomorrow is suppsed to be a high of only 60 degrees - and raining. UGH! It won't be awful, the concert is covered so I won't be sitting in the grass in a cold rain (which I have done many times before!) but it will pretty much ruin any chance I have at enjoying the fair while I am there. Which stinks since I have to buy a state fair ticket in order to get into the concert.
Ahhhh... oh well, keep your fingers crossed that the cold front will be a couple of days late hitting us! :-)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
So I am excited, but not quite ecstatic b/c I feel like it is not written in stone yet. There is a pre-employment job offer session next week. I suspect that by then the background checks should have been completed and that is when we will be presented with written job offers. Fine. In the meantime, I have to wrap up my stuff here so I can GET MOVED before I start that job.
For a while yesterday I was paralyzed. The Marine is out of the country TDY this week and won't be back until Saturday. I am perfectly capable of planning the timeline and setting things in motion. But I HATE HATE HATE that I have to do that without having talked to him about it. I mean, we have talked (and talked and talked and talked...) about us moving in and what will be done and what will go where and what we'll get rid of and what we'll keep... But these were all basic plans with no dates in place. So now I have to finalize it all by myself and hope that it works for him. That just makes me nervous, as I like to have confirmation that I am doing things right, and he is not here to give it to me! :-)
Anyway, Now I have to figure out school for the kids since they will NOT (if I have anything to say about it) be enrolled in the local school. :-
More to come... soon!